Changes

I had a huge epiphany tonight. It was a hard one for me to take actually.. Ray and I are obviously in a strange place since all this immigration stuff is keeping us apart for the time being. I think I've been handling it as well as I can though. I've been strong, but of course have had my fair share of loneliness.

What I didn't think of until tonight was the complete dependence (financially speaking) I'll have on Ray once I am finally there with him. To be quite honest, that thought scares the bejeebers out of me. I have never in my life, since having my first job, been dependent on anyone to provide for me. I've always been able to make my own money, even being pregnant I've been getting money... albeit through the government, but it's still my own income. To think that soon I'll be in a spot where I'm not independent like that anymore is kind of a hard pill for me to swallow...

It's totally a complete rewiring of my brain. That's not to say I don't trust my husband, because I do completely trust him. His work ethic and drive really doesn't allow him the option to fail. So I know that I'll always be provided for, it's just the process of changing how I think that's the obstacle.

Ever since I've been working (I started when I was 15), I could always rely on myself. I made money for clothes, shoes and fun. Then when I grew up, I continued working which would provide me the money for food, rent, clothes, shoes, and fun. And since I know myself pretty well, I always knew I would have enough. Now I've reached a point where I have to trust in someone else to do for me what I've always done for myself. It's becoming clear to me how much I loved being in control of my life. I even took pride in it. Now that part of me has to transfer to my husband. It's something that I'm willing to do, I just have to learn how... I have no experience in that area.

Ray will be a great provider. I have no doubt. He's working so hard already, and he's done a great job at setting up the place where we'll be a family together. I guess I'm at the point in my life where my role as a woman is going to be completely different from what I've ever known. It was an adjustment adding "wife" to my repertoire, and it'll be an adjustment adding "mother" to it. Not to mention at the same time adding "dependent" on top of it all. I'll have to figure out who I am in that regards. I know I'll love having my baby around and taking care of him and feeling the unconditional love for him, it's just that I've never thought of how the process of falling into those rolls would go.

My point... is that I'm just discovering the huge learning curve that's about to take place in my life. I was prepared for a learning curve as a result of childbirth, but it never occurred to me that there would be any other learning process on top of that. I do look forward to being with my husband again, and I guess it's good that I thought of this whole financial reliance thing before I got there. I can try to prepare myself as best I can to accept that he's the one in charge of making the money now and trusting in that the same way I trusted in myself.

I don't even know if any of this made sense. Sometimes I just have to write things out and get all my scrambled thoughts in the open before they scramble my brain... haha... At least this helped me sort things out. That was the goal. Anyways... That's what's on my mind tonight...