So I dunno if I can say that I've been actively keeping a secret. It's not like I've been witholding information, unwilling to share it... I guess I just expect people to figure it out on their own. It seems to have come to a point though where I think I should start publicly acknowledging it though. People are gonna notice soon. That is, if they haven't already.
I'm pregnant.
Yup. Definitely pregnant. After I started throwing up on a daily basis and lost the ability to work because of constant nausea, I figured it was probably the case. $12.00 and a flush later, it was confirmed. I seem to make rather large, life-altering decisions on what to others would appear to be a whim. It's not until the decision is made and something comes of it that I start to consider that maybe it was a decision made on a whim. So far that lifestyle has worked for me though. I don't know why I choose to put myself through life like this, but I do. Like I said. It works for me. That being said, I'm actually reminding myself that things will be okay, and to take a chill pill.
Yes. Things will be okay, but considering the circumstances I reserve every right to freak out about this. Why?
A) Ray is in Colorado... like for good. He's setting up life there so that when all this ridiculous (and expensive) green card stuff comes through, I'll have somewhere settled to go home to.
B) I have NO idea when I'm gonna see him again.
C) I had to move back in with my parents because I've been too sick to be able to do anything independently.
D) THERE'S A FREAKING BABY GROWING INSIDE OF ME!!!!!! I am responsible to raise this child so that he/she turns out to be a good person! Suddenly it doesn't seem like it's so easy...
E) For the first time in my adult life, I have to rely on someone other than myself for my own security. That's the hardest thing out of all this.
So while I sit at home all day, unable to do anything except watch TV and try to find something new and interesting online, I have to wait (again, for an undisclosed period of time) to hear good news about an apartment and a job for Ray in Colorado. I trust him that he'll be able to get it all put together eventually, but he does things soooo differently from me that it freaks me out and makes waiting agonizing. Trying to find the balance between giving advice and telling him what to do and how to do it and still showing him respect as the leader of our family is something I'm still trying to figure out how to do. I must say though, Ray is a lot more open to hearing me out than he used to be. That makes things easier. Marriage is hard, but we're definitely both trying... even if we are thousands of miles apart right now. (That came out way more over-dramatically than I wanted it to.)
I guess I try to remember that in the long run, this freak out and uncertainty is temporary. However, that thought doesn't always offer the comfort I need because it still seems intangible. In my head I know I'm pregnant but I don't feel pregnant, so when mom tells me that this sickness will end and I'll have a beautiful little baby in my arms, I still kind of don't believe her... I'm still stupid sick and it still sucks and it's still hard to not be angry about being incapacitated right now. And in my head I know that Ray will get everything with a job and an apartment figured out, but for now I see that he's been gone a month and has made small progresses, but there's still not a job or an apartment and it's hard not to think that if it were up to me, I'd have already figured it all out by now. That's definitely not respectful of me to have that thought and that's exactly what I mean when I say I'm still trying to find balance and also learn to rely on someone else for my own security. Ugh.
Looks like I've just gotta keep doing what I've been doing. Sitting and waiting for things to come together, because they always have in the past, so they must continue to do so in the future. For now, I'm in control of how much love I show my husband and I know that will have a huge positive effect on him. Maybe I should focus more on that. I definitely know I love him. I really do need to take a chill pill...
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