This morning I experienced a rather unpleasant event in which my sanity and ability to make rational choices was questioned. I must admit, it hurt. I've spent my life being proud that I'm an independent person, capable of making big decisions on my own, and dealing with the good and bad consequences maturely. It's something that others who are closest to me have taken pride in knowing they taught me to be that way.
This last year or so, I feel like I've maintained that independence and worked hard to get what I wanted, understanding fully that there would be unpleasant consequences and really amazing ones too. I haven't in any way tried to avoid or skip those consequences. However, it seems as though my decisions the past year have left those who were once so proud of my independence wondering if I've lost my mind. I truly feel like I've been true to myself all along. Up until this point, I wasn't ever presented with an opportunity, or came into a situation that had the potential be so drastically and permanently life-changing. Now I'm preparing to leave the place that three generations of my family have spent building their foundation in and because of it, my independence is being misconceived as insanity and irrationality.
There are specific reasons I've decided to do things the way I have, and it's all been because of my love for my family and desire for them to get to know the man I'm spending the rest of forever with. I hope one day they will see that and realize I wasn't just being impatient and impulsive. The result of my choice was that he could spend nine months here building relationships with my family so that they trusted him to take care of me in the future. Any other way we could have gone about getting married would have not allowed for that opportunity, and I would have just left my home to be with (as far as my family was concerned) a stranger for the rest of my life. That wasn't an option for me, so I found a way to make it work.
My greatest desire is to be trusted that I'm following something that I really feel in my heart is right. I understand that it's hurting my family to leave, and I understand that it's going to be a huge challenge for me to move to a whole new country and begin raising a family. I know it will be hard, but I know that I'll be blessed. I'm not naive in thinking that everything will just come easily and that my faith will eliminate obstacles. I expect obstacles, but like I've always believed, Heavenly Father will pull me through, just like He always has. That doesn't diminish my responsibility to do all I'm capable of to adjust and do whatever else is required of me, but I also know that I'm not expected to do it all by myself. If I can't get the full support of my loved ones, then at least I know I have the support of my God. As much as it hurts to know my family thinks I'm living irresponsibly, I really have to try my hardest to be strong and remember that I still have support of my friends and Heavenly Father.
I may not have the rest of my life planned out in stone, but that doesn't make me irresponsible and that doesn't make me crazy. My life is my own to live and I'm living it right for me. I recently listened to a talk given by a General Authority at BYU. His whole talk was about a painting he saw in an Institute Building of a ship in a harbor. He talked about how all ships are safe in their harbor, but when they're there, they aren't being used for their purpose. He related that to our lives by saying that we all reach times in our life where we're comfortable and the thought of change is daunting and so you stay where you are because it's easier. But he asks what opportunities for growth are we missing out on because of our unwillingness to leave our safe harbor. Well I'm preparing to leave my safe harbor, and it will be a difficult journey, but I'll find my way and I'll find my place in a new harbor. I'll be a better person because of it, and I will have come a little closer to reaching my potential.
All the decisions I'm making with my husband are because we've discussed them and decided that's the best way for us. If someone else sees that decision as unwise, then so be it, but that doesn't mean I've lost my ability to think straight. It means that I'm working together with my husband for the benefit of our family. I may do things differently than my family who raised me, but they raised me right. I'm just not choosing the life they assumed I would, but the life I'm choosing to live is still in accordance with the principles they've taught me. I hope that someday they'll trust Ray and I. I hope they'll see that we're wise, that we're not selfish, that we're responsible, and that we take care of ourselves.
No comments:
Post a Comment