People would ask me all the time how I was doing and what they could do to help, and I realized those questions were being asked with good intentions, but they also weren't asking for the actual truth. They didn't want me to burst out in tears, and they didn't want to sit down with me for three hours to really let me get all my feelings out. So I had a really difficult time talking with people face to face. I felt like I had to put on a face in public that I was dealing with everything perfectly fine, when on the inside I was a complete mess. I couldn't think of the next day, and I couldn't think of what if's. I just had to "be".
I blogged in an attempt to get people to stop asking me how I was and what's going on. I tried to give a quick summary of events and made my blog posts public in case they wanted all the specific details. Looking back, as hard as it was going through all the ups and downs of Lucas' well being, it was harder putting myself in social situations. It was hardest for me to go to Church. I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. Everyone knew a tidbit of information and they wanted more. I don't blame them though. Healthy babies are born all the time in the Church. It seemed like premature births were an anomaly, and it brought up natural curiosity to find out more. Even though my head knew it was natural for others to be curious, it was emotionally exhausting to be at Church, needing my Spirit to be filled with strength, but instead getting asked the same question (How is your baby?), over and over again, each time being harder to give an answer and hold back my tears and smile. Truth is, the majority of the time he wasn't okay. That's not something that is easy to say out loud once, let alone several times in a three hour span. So I just didn't say it. I said something about how he was getting there, or I said he was getting bigger, but it really was really hard to come up with something that didn't sound depressing or hopeless each time.
My point in saying all of this is not to make others feel bad. I know that had I not gone through it myself, I probably would have asked the same questions, and done everything that I wished people would stop doing to me. I'm not upset with anyone, but I do want to help people understand what the "Do's and Don'ts" are if they were ever to encounter someone again going through something difficult like that.
1. DO NOT ask "How are you?". Think about it. If you had a sick baby in the hospital, would you be okay? If you gave birth to a baby and had to leave the hospital without him, would you be okay? It's impossible to be in that situation and "be okay". You are always worried. You are always overwhelmed. You always feel like there's not enough of you to go around.
Instead. Don't ask anything at all. The most meaningful thing anyone ever did while Lucas was sick was when a woman came up to me, pulled me into her arms and gave me the most heartfelt hug I have every experienced. I felt as if she was encircling me with compassion and that hugging me was the only thing that could properly convey how much she truly wished for the wellbeing of my family. That hug rejuvenated my Spirit, helped me feel understood, and allowed me to let go of my defense for just a moment. Not a single word was said, but that moment will always be a cherished memory.
2. DO NOT ask "What do you need?". Truth is, in those moments, I didn't even know what I needed, so how could I tell someone else? My mind was always occupied with how could I get to the hospital to see my baby that day. Was I going to get good news or bad news when I got there. Does my three year old still know that I love him. Am I spending enough time with my husband. Do my parents know what's going on. All those things can't be fixed by someone else.
Instead. Show up with food. I was so overwhelmed that I didn't even think of feeding myself or my family. You could also check in to see if they need help with their other kids that day. Asking for help is harder than I would have expected. I already felt like a charity case, so the more stuff I asked for, the more I felt I couldn't fulfill my responsibility as a mother. When someone just called and offered their help right then, it was an incredible relief.
3. DO tell them you are keeping them in your prayers. Put them on the Prayer Roll at the Temple. There really isn't much that you can do anyways, so whenever someone told me that, it always meant a lot to me.
4. DO offer to clean their kitchen or do their laundry, but don't ask when you can come over. As I previously explained, asking for help all the time made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job at being a wife or mom. When you ask when you can come over, you're just not going to get a straight answer. Work it out in your own schedule when you can come over and help, tell the person that you have this time cleared and make sure that they will be there to let you in. It may be help that is hard to accept, but it is help that will make a difference and relieve a burden.
5. Most of all, when you are with them, treat them like any other normal person. I noticed that sometimes when people would talk to me, there was this obvious look on their face of pity. Pity isn't understanding or compassion. Pity makes you feel like you are less than everyone else, and that feeling sucks. Talk to them about what's going on in your own life instead of just cutting to the chase because you're wondering about the sick kid. Hearing about someone elses drama free and uneventful life is oddly comforting and gives someone in a hard circumstance something to look forward to happening in their own life one day.
Please use these tips with anyone, young or old who has a loved one in the hospital. It is such a draining experience. It is something you can't fully understand unless you have gone through it yourself. Please help make it easier for them. You can do more for their emotional wellbeing than you even realize.
My point in saying all of this is not to make others feel bad. I know that had I not gone through it myself, I probably would have asked the same questions, and done everything that I wished people would stop doing to me. I'm not upset with anyone, but I do want to help people understand what the "Do's and Don'ts" are if they were ever to encounter someone again going through something difficult like that.
1. DO NOT ask "How are you?". Think about it. If you had a sick baby in the hospital, would you be okay? If you gave birth to a baby and had to leave the hospital without him, would you be okay? It's impossible to be in that situation and "be okay". You are always worried. You are always overwhelmed. You always feel like there's not enough of you to go around.
Instead. Don't ask anything at all. The most meaningful thing anyone ever did while Lucas was sick was when a woman came up to me, pulled me into her arms and gave me the most heartfelt hug I have every experienced. I felt as if she was encircling me with compassion and that hugging me was the only thing that could properly convey how much she truly wished for the wellbeing of my family. That hug rejuvenated my Spirit, helped me feel understood, and allowed me to let go of my defense for just a moment. Not a single word was said, but that moment will always be a cherished memory.
2. DO NOT ask "What do you need?". Truth is, in those moments, I didn't even know what I needed, so how could I tell someone else? My mind was always occupied with how could I get to the hospital to see my baby that day. Was I going to get good news or bad news when I got there. Does my three year old still know that I love him. Am I spending enough time with my husband. Do my parents know what's going on. All those things can't be fixed by someone else.
Instead. Show up with food. I was so overwhelmed that I didn't even think of feeding myself or my family. You could also check in to see if they need help with their other kids that day. Asking for help is harder than I would have expected. I already felt like a charity case, so the more stuff I asked for, the more I felt I couldn't fulfill my responsibility as a mother. When someone just called and offered their help right then, it was an incredible relief.
3. DO tell them you are keeping them in your prayers. Put them on the Prayer Roll at the Temple. There really isn't much that you can do anyways, so whenever someone told me that, it always meant a lot to me.
4. DO offer to clean their kitchen or do their laundry, but don't ask when you can come over. As I previously explained, asking for help all the time made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job at being a wife or mom. When you ask when you can come over, you're just not going to get a straight answer. Work it out in your own schedule when you can come over and help, tell the person that you have this time cleared and make sure that they will be there to let you in. It may be help that is hard to accept, but it is help that will make a difference and relieve a burden.
5. Most of all, when you are with them, treat them like any other normal person. I noticed that sometimes when people would talk to me, there was this obvious look on their face of pity. Pity isn't understanding or compassion. Pity makes you feel like you are less than everyone else, and that feeling sucks. Talk to them about what's going on in your own life instead of just cutting to the chase because you're wondering about the sick kid. Hearing about someone elses drama free and uneventful life is oddly comforting and gives someone in a hard circumstance something to look forward to happening in their own life one day.
Please use these tips with anyone, young or old who has a loved one in the hospital. It is such a draining experience. It is something you can't fully understand unless you have gone through it yourself. Please help make it easier for them. You can do more for their emotional wellbeing than you even realize.
