Okay. So I'm pregnant. That's old news now... Well... Kind of. Only my close family and friends know. I'm afraid to make it "Facebook Official". I guess I'm not ready for that attention yet. Maybe in a few weeks when I actually have a belly I'll mention it to the Facebook world... Kinda sad that's how I base my news going public now. The world we live in...
Anyways... That's not my point. I'm almost at 13 weeks pregnant now. I have to see the Doctor every month, so I just had my second check up this week. This time, my Doctor did two amazing things. First, she doubled my dosage for my anti-nausea medication, and I've felt better these past two days than I have in the past two months. I'm still super weak and can't do much, but I've had a slightly better appetite, so that will hopefully help my body out. I lost 12lbs last month, so any nutrition I get right now is essential.
The second amazing thing my Doctor did made me cry. I got to hear the baby's heart beat. It was crazy! When she found the heart beat, she was like "THAT'S YOUR BABY!!!" and that's when I cried. For the first time since I found out I was pregnant, there was actual proof that something was in there other than throwing up and sickness. I could actually hear it. It's actually in there. My Doctor asked if there was anyone with me that would wanna hear it too, and so I told her that my mom was there, so she went to get her, and when she got the heart beat again, mom started crying too.
That experience seemed to ease my frustrations with how sick I've been. I finally know that something is happening and that I'm not just sick because I'm sick. I'm pregnant! I heard it! And with the double dosage of meds, I'm less sick too, so this is just a win win.
Of course, it was sad to not have Ray there. Going through this without him kinda sucks. I am very grateful to have my mom with me through all this though. I was thinking that if I was pregnant for the first time after I moved to the States, it would have been much much harder to deal with all of these physical struggles without her. So despite not having Ray here, having my mom here is offering me the comfort of having someone who has gone already through this. She seems to be able to anticipate my needs and give me empathy to help me feel like I'm not being weak. I'm pretty sure that this time I have with her while I'm pregnant will carry me through any future pregnancies I may have. My mom has really been my greatest strength as I've struggled through these previous couple months. I love her a lot and I've really cherished the bond that this situation has helped us build.
My next step is to schedule my 18-20 week ultrasound. Since that's in a couple months, hopefully Ray will be able to come here for it. That's when they can find out if it's a boy or girl. To have Ray here for that would be amazing. I don't want him to have to miss out on the entire pregnancy, and he doesn't want that either.
I'm just grateful for the perspective that hearing that little heart beat gave me. I'm gonna be a mom. It's real. Suddenly it's not all about me anymore, and I'm okay with that.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sit and Wait... Story of My Life...
So I dunno if I can say that I've been actively keeping a secret. It's not like I've been witholding information, unwilling to share it... I guess I just expect people to figure it out on their own. It seems to have come to a point though where I think I should start publicly acknowledging it though. People are gonna notice soon. That is, if they haven't already.
I'm pregnant.
Yup. Definitely pregnant. After I started throwing up on a daily basis and lost the ability to work because of constant nausea, I figured it was probably the case. $12.00 and a flush later, it was confirmed. I seem to make rather large, life-altering decisions on what to others would appear to be a whim. It's not until the decision is made and something comes of it that I start to consider that maybe it was a decision made on a whim. So far that lifestyle has worked for me though. I don't know why I choose to put myself through life like this, but I do. Like I said. It works for me. That being said, I'm actually reminding myself that things will be okay, and to take a chill pill.
Yes. Things will be okay, but considering the circumstances I reserve every right to freak out about this. Why?
A) Ray is in Colorado... like for good. He's setting up life there so that when all this ridiculous (and expensive) green card stuff comes through, I'll have somewhere settled to go home to.
B) I have NO idea when I'm gonna see him again.
C) I had to move back in with my parents because I've been too sick to be able to do anything independently.
D) THERE'S A FREAKING BABY GROWING INSIDE OF ME!!!!!! I am responsible to raise this child so that he/she turns out to be a good person! Suddenly it doesn't seem like it's so easy...
E) For the first time in my adult life, I have to rely on someone other than myself for my own security. That's the hardest thing out of all this.
So while I sit at home all day, unable to do anything except watch TV and try to find something new and interesting online, I have to wait (again, for an undisclosed period of time) to hear good news about an apartment and a job for Ray in Colorado. I trust him that he'll be able to get it all put together eventually, but he does things soooo differently from me that it freaks me out and makes waiting agonizing. Trying to find the balance between giving advice and telling him what to do and how to do it and still showing him respect as the leader of our family is something I'm still trying to figure out how to do. I must say though, Ray is a lot more open to hearing me out than he used to be. That makes things easier. Marriage is hard, but we're definitely both trying... even if we are thousands of miles apart right now. (That came out way more over-dramatically than I wanted it to.)
I guess I try to remember that in the long run, this freak out and uncertainty is temporary. However, that thought doesn't always offer the comfort I need because it still seems intangible. In my head I know I'm pregnant but I don't feel pregnant, so when mom tells me that this sickness will end and I'll have a beautiful little baby in my arms, I still kind of don't believe her... I'm still stupid sick and it still sucks and it's still hard to not be angry about being incapacitated right now. And in my head I know that Ray will get everything with a job and an apartment figured out, but for now I see that he's been gone a month and has made small progresses, but there's still not a job or an apartment and it's hard not to think that if it were up to me, I'd have already figured it all out by now. That's definitely not respectful of me to have that thought and that's exactly what I mean when I say I'm still trying to find balance and also learn to rely on someone else for my own security. Ugh.
Looks like I've just gotta keep doing what I've been doing. Sitting and waiting for things to come together, because they always have in the past, so they must continue to do so in the future. For now, I'm in control of how much love I show my husband and I know that will have a huge positive effect on him. Maybe I should focus more on that. I definitely know I love him. I really do need to take a chill pill...
I'm pregnant.
Yup. Definitely pregnant. After I started throwing up on a daily basis and lost the ability to work because of constant nausea, I figured it was probably the case. $12.00 and a flush later, it was confirmed. I seem to make rather large, life-altering decisions on what to others would appear to be a whim. It's not until the decision is made and something comes of it that I start to consider that maybe it was a decision made on a whim. So far that lifestyle has worked for me though. I don't know why I choose to put myself through life like this, but I do. Like I said. It works for me. That being said, I'm actually reminding myself that things will be okay, and to take a chill pill.
Yes. Things will be okay, but considering the circumstances I reserve every right to freak out about this. Why?
A) Ray is in Colorado... like for good. He's setting up life there so that when all this ridiculous (and expensive) green card stuff comes through, I'll have somewhere settled to go home to.
B) I have NO idea when I'm gonna see him again.
C) I had to move back in with my parents because I've been too sick to be able to do anything independently.
D) THERE'S A FREAKING BABY GROWING INSIDE OF ME!!!!!! I am responsible to raise this child so that he/she turns out to be a good person! Suddenly it doesn't seem like it's so easy...
E) For the first time in my adult life, I have to rely on someone other than myself for my own security. That's the hardest thing out of all this.
So while I sit at home all day, unable to do anything except watch TV and try to find something new and interesting online, I have to wait (again, for an undisclosed period of time) to hear good news about an apartment and a job for Ray in Colorado. I trust him that he'll be able to get it all put together eventually, but he does things soooo differently from me that it freaks me out and makes waiting agonizing. Trying to find the balance between giving advice and telling him what to do and how to do it and still showing him respect as the leader of our family is something I'm still trying to figure out how to do. I must say though, Ray is a lot more open to hearing me out than he used to be. That makes things easier. Marriage is hard, but we're definitely both trying... even if we are thousands of miles apart right now. (That came out way more over-dramatically than I wanted it to.)
I guess I try to remember that in the long run, this freak out and uncertainty is temporary. However, that thought doesn't always offer the comfort I need because it still seems intangible. In my head I know I'm pregnant but I don't feel pregnant, so when mom tells me that this sickness will end and I'll have a beautiful little baby in my arms, I still kind of don't believe her... I'm still stupid sick and it still sucks and it's still hard to not be angry about being incapacitated right now. And in my head I know that Ray will get everything with a job and an apartment figured out, but for now I see that he's been gone a month and has made small progresses, but there's still not a job or an apartment and it's hard not to think that if it were up to me, I'd have already figured it all out by now. That's definitely not respectful of me to have that thought and that's exactly what I mean when I say I'm still trying to find balance and also learn to rely on someone else for my own security. Ugh.
Looks like I've just gotta keep doing what I've been doing. Sitting and waiting for things to come together, because they always have in the past, so they must continue to do so in the future. For now, I'm in control of how much love I show my husband and I know that will have a huge positive effect on him. Maybe I should focus more on that. I definitely know I love him. I really do need to take a chill pill...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)